Published October 21, 2009
When the fire took me,
When the smoke hid me in shadow,
When my life fled and left me,
My world and heart turned black.
Then Satan gave me the chance,
The chance of a death time,
To seek my pent-up vengeance,
And go back.
So, descending through the floors of Hell,
My wings caught fire, my face black with ash,
A malicious smile on my ghostly face,
My victim doomed from the start.
As I returned to Earth, my victim turns,
Death in my heart, guilt in his eyes,
Our gaze locks, our two minds one,
The same scared beating heart.
FIRE STARTER!
Did not mean it! Just a joke.
SOME JOKE! WELL, NOW I’M HERE,
AND ON MY FIRE, YOU WILL CHOKE!
My victim falls, without a shout,
He has given up; no will left to fight,
But we’re still connected, both slipping, both dying.
Our one mind screams out its final thought:
“Brother, forgive me!”
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
This poem is so awesome! I loved it from beginning to end,it flowed perfectly. Great imagery! I could see every thing the person was going through in my mind. It was my favorite poem I've read from this site and I can't wait to read more of your writing. Great work!
great poem. i liked how everything related to the title and it was all metaphors. For, what is life without metaphors? right? =P
I liked the way you rhymed it too. Like, the first two stanzas, each last line rhymed. Then it switched and the next two last lines rhymed.
You kept it organized, but different. And it still made sense. and it flowed. I liked that when reading it.
You're a really good writer to pull that off
No! It's the exact same poem! What have you added? x
great poem and i can see you have added more since last time! x
Wow! I'm impressed! This is quite a forceful poem. My favorite part was
I love how you get inside the head of your character here.
My least favorite part was
That choke/joke rhyme sounds very forced. The all caps seems childish. And there's something so simplistic about it compared with the complexities of the other stanzas...I mean, you have hell-beings moving between realms, minds uniting, and then they just talk to each other? Like that? Like some kind of spat between fourth-graders? The tone is all wrong. I agree that there needs to be some sort of explanation as to the connection between the fire, the first character, and the second, but I think you can make it better than this.
One other concern I had with the poem was the descent from hell to Earth. Shouldn't that be an ascent? Moving upwards?
Overall, I thought this was a terrific poem, very forceful, with powerful images, complex ideas and stirring emotions. Nice work!
-Sophie
Ohhh! Goose bumps or what?! Brilliant. My favourite part:
I loved this poem. It was totally dark and different. Great work!I was confused with this piece, it was hard for me to follow along with. All and all, it's a wonderful poem! But when it said "wings" is where you lost me. I didn't know she was an angel, or is it a she? It's not a story so I understand the lack of description of character. But it still confused me, at the end what did that mean? Towards the end it fell apart to me, I didn't know exactly what to think about it.
I'm trying not to be harsh, but if you could explain it to me that would be wonderful! It seems great would be a great poem if I could understand it.
~Ellie
Whoa, that was an amazing poem. I loved the intense feeling that came to your mind as you read it. Also, you have great detail and really good vocabulary.All of those features make for an astonishing and creative poem. Oh and also, please be sure to notify me of anymore poetry because I think its beautiful.